残るは言葉ばかりなり。


by fly-high0320

<   2007年 05月 ( 15 )   > この月の画像一覧

like a swimmie

now i am preparing for the speaking test tomorrow.
on the test, we will take three parts; the first is general conversation, the second is making a two minutes speech after one minute preparetion, and the third is specific discussion with the examiner.

although most of them are unpredictable, i will come up with some expression for the first part, and imaginable answers.

in fact, the main reason why i prepare these is not to improve my expression for te test tomorrow; it reminds me of the day i prepared for the entrance examination of Uni of Tsukuba3 years ago.

it was the exact previous day of the interview as a part of the test.
i stayed at the hotel Epocal Tsukuba, and wrote down the possible ansewrs i could say.


it is not exactly same, i am now in a small room not a hotel, and above all my way of thinking seemed change in every aspect.

i totally concentrated on the exam, and didnt let anything come into my mind. i was so enthusiastic to study.

now, my passion seems lost, fly away. i am here to take a long rest, and enjoy chatting and playing with my friends.

i am not sure which is better. i must acquire enthusiasm i had got these days, but i need to have enough room in my mind at the same time.
it seems contradiction, but i believe both of them would be in my mind harmoniously.


yeah, in the past, i wanted to work in the UN as well as many students in the exam room, and understand much about what was happening all over the world.
now, what do i wanna do? where has my dream gone? how can i identify my position in the society and my life?

everything is unclear, including the test result, the study in ANU, and my future. it is exactly, uncertainty.

the main purpose of studying abroad is, not studyin my major furthur, not escaping finding a job(maybe..), but dive into uncertainty. through the life with millions of new findings.
the process would, should make me upset and got exhausted. actually the reality was beyond my imagination.
but, all of them are welcoming for me, cuz now i understand there are several things which i dont know yet, and such meetings let me change.

it is still quite difficult to keep my mind positive, forgetting my negative thinking. but, i will try to maintain my positive aspect fighting against my lazyness.

sonnna kanji de ganbari masu!
[PR]
by fly-high0320 | 2007-05-31 22:43 | future

at a sleepless night

くわちゃん、まじがっかりだよ。 

閑話休題。

anyway.

this friday and saturday, i will take an entrance examiknation, meaning the english exam to enter ANU. i have to get 6.5/9.0 on the test; otherwise i have to go back to japan. i am looking forward to seeing all of you!! .. joking.

i am not sure if i can take the required score, cuz i havent concentrate on only studying english. rather, i played with friends in the college chatting and playing tennis(!), visited some places, did net surfing etc.

i am also not sure if this choice was correct, or at least, helpful for me.
i may have had to study harder forgetting everything to acquire the practical skill.
however, i feel that choice suitable for me at present.

of course, if i cant get an enough score, the consequence is terrible.
wow, i cnat imagine that.

in addition, ,, i am here at a great cost.
i cant stop thinking "if i had chosen to stay at japan,,,".
that's the reason why i always think seriously about the cost opportunity
to make use of my decision, i have to get precious and invaluable experience.


but, it doesnt necessarily mean i have to try harder.
to acquire something, i need to do such an effort, but it is not the time to do this, i feel.

it might be just being lazy, doing nothing seeking funny video in nikoniko do-ga.
but, in my point of view, this decision is correct, and i couldont have done this if i had stayed at japan.


hmmm, as usual.
anyway, i will show the result of the lazy-lead effort.
this process seems the testing of my hypothesis.
i failed this last year, and destroyed the logic to solve the mystery of haiti.
now, i will revenge.
i promise i never fail.

if i success, i might be able to get a littleconfidence.
now i have no confidence in myself and even refuse to have.
i wish this experience will change me slightly, or dramatically.
no, i change myself by myself. miteroyo~~~.
[PR]
by fly-high0320 | 2007-05-29 22:18 | future

ひょ。

新スキン適用です。「シンプル絵本」。Exciteさんナイスだよ!てかようやくナイスだよ!
でも英語が似合わないーーーーー。どうしましょ。
さっき日本の友達から連絡が来ました。「○○君が誕生日だから、メッセージ送ってくださぃ。あと、例えると誰になるかを添えて送ってくださぃ。できれば今日中ぐらぃにメールもらえるとうれしぃです」
って。みくしの濃ゆい絵文字つきで。あらかわいい。
そんなことを言われると、そりゃあ断れないんだけどさ。断れないけど。

眠い。

絶対時差忘れてるってこの子。(一時間だけど)
てか海外生活者に自分と同じ生活リズムを求めないで。(2時までニコニコ見てるときもあるけど)
てゆっか例えるとってあなたそんな難しいお題。(これはホントに難…)


あ、つぶろぐ、って新機能が加わりました。右にはっつけてあるやつです。なんか、つぶやけるらしいよ。詳細不明。眠いんだもん。


とか言いつつもなんとか終了。誕生日迎えたほうでなくて、メッセージ送ってよこした子に言及しつつ(笑)

うーん、書きたいことがあるんだけど、今日はこの辺で。とりあえず、今週はガチンコな週でした(苦笑)
日本はなんか天気がおかしいらしいね。みなさん、ご自愛くだされ。そして誰かやど祭の写真を送って。
[PR]
by fly-high0320 | 2007-05-27 00:09 | daily life
a0060792_188408.jpg


now i came home from 1 hour walking.おさんぽ。
the sky was covered with cloud, and it was a bit cold. i need a glove. 手袋。ごつっ。
usually the nature in australia seems not feel and think nothing as well as people. at least i cant feel anything from it.
because of that, the scenery in this country in cloudy days is so ... monotony. 無味乾燥. ya, it looks monochrome.
the town seems almost dead, and the time seems stop. like a chrono police, or dead sea in chrono cross.

a0060792_1759497.jpg

a0060792_18205881.jpg


look, there's nothing!


a0060792_1757861.jpg


this is a scandal picture. hmm, the contradiction between cost and security.


and the content below is no relationship with pictures, as usual.
hmm, what i can say is today i did only internet and walking around.
and study. hmm, yeah, study.


http://headlines.yahoo.co.jp/hl?a=20070519-00000085-jij-pol

lately, the controversy about reformation of constitution is getting heat in japan. it seems, as far as judging from news.

in this country, i feel the indifference of japanese people to politics and diplomacy.

with the reality of the reformation of an article 9, people need to pay attention to these fields, and their gorvernment needs to enlight citizen i think,
though the law is procedural one, so not necessarily mean the reformation, let alone the article 9.

actually, i dont know exactly about the dispute around that article.
it is mainly because i have avoided news and issues about japan, especially military one.
i was more interested in other countries and global one, and i may have felt the stagnation(停滞) of japanse politics.

but, in this country, i am concerned about any aspects of japan, politics, economics, culture, society, and mind.
it will be natural, i sometimes talk with chinise and korean about yasukuni syurine, and the relationship among our countries.
and more, i feel the clear difference between them and us.
they think simply and insist confidently.
on one hand, i think the character of each person depends on each person, not nationality. but it seems true in some parts on the other hand.

in such situation, it is inevitable to think about japan itself.

mostly i find good aspect, or find japan better or comfortable for me.
taking care of others, pastel color in commercial and interior, well organized system like transportaion one, and so on.

but, in terms of politics, that country should change the mood i think.
people in this country often talk about politics.
they talk even during BBQ.

the reason is that they dont like politics. the reason is politics is less interesting. the reason is .. not sure.
at least, we, including the goverment, need to think about how to join political debate.


hmm,, when i write something in japanese, many ideas are come up with.
in english, it is so difficult..
[PR]
by fly-high0320 | 2007-05-20 18:26 | daily life
a0060792_22252761.jpg


today's picture is campus,,,, no. scenery in front of australian national library.
i took this in last of march, so leaves are still vigorous green, and the ground is so soft covered with thick leaves carpet. kimoi.




"change should not be fear, it is something to welcome."

http://web.worldbank.org/WBSITE/EXTERNAL/NEWS/0,,contentMDK:21339650~menuPK:34463~pagePK:34370~piPK:34424~theSitePK:4607,00.html


this phrase was mentioned by the president of World Bank Group, paul wolfowitz.
he said this word after WB's dedicating work for poorest countries over 5 years.
truly moving phrase, i feel. if "change" doesnt mean the resignation of his position due to corruption, falling love with a certain staff. orz

http://headlines.yahoo.co.jp/hl?a=20070518-00000104-yom-bus_all


documents of UN are really helpful to study english. they are formal,plain, and well organized. of course i can acquire enough knowledge for major study. and, above all, it is fun for me. i can justify reading resolutions!


next week, im gonna meet ANU student for language exchange, to teach own language with each other. since he is a ANU student, i will ask something about club activities. i hope i can find one relating to IR.
[PR]
by fly-high0320 | 2007-05-20 12:03 | studying
today's pictures are my favorite church along my school street.

a0060792_21513364.jpg


first one is the scenary with the street and other building.遠景。
this street (rather path) is next to main street, and so quiet. to walk this street every morning, i take a risk to across 4 syasenn road.

a0060792_21501044.jpg


second one is the picture in front of the church. look, there is a onion- looks needle(尖塔), it is because that church is a ukleine orthodox church. ウクライナ正教会。the memorial in front of the church is recording the memory of the WWⅡ, and the history of that chuech. the flower by the memory is so beautiful.


a0060792_2222267.jpg


from a certain angle, the buildings look like a castle, doesnt it?


a0060792_224821.jpg

the red block wall leaves turned red, and one building.


a0060792_225427.jpg


the last one is try to bring an autumnal leaf into focus.
i should have pay attention to back ground.
(枯れ葉=autumnal leaves // dead leaves // dry leaf // sere leaf // withered leaf。どれもなんだかなあ…)


every single picture is taken in different time and different day, so it might looks strange. doesnt care, please.

just after 2 weeks, i have an IELTS test. i have to get enough score to apply uni accomodation(dormitory). i will do my best.

lately, studying english is getting more attracting to me.
at first, i dont like to study english, a language.
language is just a tool, and inefficient tool, i believed. it was mainly because of terrible experience of thesis last year.

now, i dont change my mind. language is an inefficient tool and we have to be careful to the truth behind the language.
expressing our opinion in a language limits our thought and exclude what was not tlanslated into language.
when people ecpress someone in certain words, they feel they understand someone properly and completely.
howver, sometimes one feels uncomfortable or upset to this ecpression.

like these, output and input have difficulty as a result of using, relying on language.
this is the reason why i dont like language.
some other people who found difficulty in expressing or expressed in a language might feel same thinking.
and i wish people understand the real thoughts of mine, and pay attention to express properly, carefully.


however, due to the existence of language, we can communinate with each other easily as a matter of course.


it is a matter of simplification.
people can understand comlex and difficult things though simplification, such as clarification, setting a framework, finding a main feature.
for example, realizm and reberalism in international relations. i will leave out explanation of these terms (atually i do not fully understand them. nya-----), but i always think nobody can decide the int. society is either of them. states are not balls in biliyard!!
but though these theories, we can find the location of something comparing with realizm, reberalizm.
eventually what we are researching is not realizm nor reberalism, but we need these theories (simplification) to understand our aim.

considering this, we have to be careful not to stop our thought at the simplification. simplification is just a tool to find out the truth of the object.
it is meaningless to clarify students in my class in accorance with nationalities if i stop the analysis. i need to for instance, analyze the characteristics of each student and usual images of each nation.

language is one example of simplification.
thanks to language, our thoughts and understandings are simplified.
in other words, language provides a certain framework to all people.
we have to proceed beyond languages.

although language is a major tool to express ourselves due to its reliability compared with other tools, society usually regard people who have poor ability to speak as those who have poor thoughs, and it is largely true. no words, no will.
however, it is better, and at least i want, to pay attention to behind and inside language.
i learn language expression skill, not because language is a essential skill to express, but because i want fully understand someone or something through simplification in this way.


なんかね、ここの人とか言語とか自然に影響を受けて思考も言動も単純化されていく自分がちょっと不安になって、前から思ってたことと一緒にまとめてみました、って感じ。
似たようなネタとして、rule makingがもたらす弊害についてもまとめてみたいです。法律として客観的なものと捉えられるルールも各地域独自の慣習とか文化から成り立ってて、それに溶け込めない部外者は排除される、みたいなことを。枠を設けるという意味で今回のとつながるんだけど、うーん含め切れませんでした。

あ、でもね、書いたとおり単純化に対してネガティブに捉えてるわけではないです。今まで自他共に認めるとおり無駄に考えすぎてきたんで、きっとこれがちょうどいいんだって。変化に対する不安はあって、今まで大事にしてきた価値観を失っちゃうんじゃないか、自分が嫌ってた決め付け型の人間になっちゃうんじゃないか、って思ってたりもした。けど、友達が言ってくれたけど、人間そう簡単に変わるもんじゃない、だから変化を恐れてちゃいけないって。確かにそうだと思うんだよね。きっと、今の価値観を大事にしながら、変化から何かを得ることができると思うんだよ。自信持ってはっきりと意見を主張しつつも、自分の、誰かの裏にある見えない所にも機を向けられるような。勿論、そうやってうまくアウトプットするには相当な時間がかかるだろうけど。

多分これが去年の自分に対する答えで。まあ、頭じゃわかってたけど、ココロにすとんと落ちてくるまでにこれだけ時間がかかったってことだね。
こういう心的な変化は、一段落は、ここに来なきゃできなかったのか。日本で就活しながら、みんなと話しながら、専攻の勉強を続けながらじゃできなかったのか。やっぱりそういうことを今でも考える。
これに対しても、考えたって何か変わるわけじゃないんだからここでできるベストを尽くすしかないっ、ってのはわかっちゃいるんだけど。頭じゃわかってるんだけど。これは単純化の話ほど簡単には決着がつきそうになく。やっぱりきれいさっぱり吹き飛ばせるような何かの達成、成長、が必要なんじゃないのかな、と思うんだよね。
とはいっても、サークルが見つからなくってなんか打ち込めるものがあるのかどうか不安になってきたけど(^^;。いや、勉強してくださいよ、ってのはナシね。いや、ありです。



結局日本語もかなり書いちゃったょ。サマリーに留められればいいんだけど。何しろテスト近いからね。。。ああ、ここへ来て大学入試かぁ。。。
[PR]
by fly-high0320 | 2007-05-18 23:06

rice flied.

today i cooked fried rice for my host family.チャーハン。
the result was...not so bad.

since i had to cook too many ingredients compared with them i cooked for myself, it was truly difficult to stir and make it dry.

additionally, onions, meat, and especially soy bean source are different from japanese ones. soy source smelled too strong.

moreover, host mother gave me many instructions and i couldnt cook in my way. you know(know), cooking is a creative activity and we have to open our mind for finding best way to cook. usually it lead to enjoy cooking. however, if we are restricted our way and indicated to follow someone's way, it is totally impossible to serve tasty meal.


here is my excuse. hmmmmm,,,,i should have improved my skill of cooking.


food in this house and city is totally different from that in japan.
in my home stay house, cooking way is really simple.

vegatables are cut in a large size which i cant eat once, and are only boiled. meat ar eof course only fried. rice since host mother is philippino, we often eat it) are, surprisingly, cooked by a microwave.

one reason is my host mother is working and sometimes comes back home at around 9:30; however, a mother who has 12 years old girl shouldnt serve MAC or delivery pizza many times, i think. many times! i ate MAC value set (big mac, poteto, cola) over 10 times.

i am not sure about restraunts nor other houses since restrants are really expensive (we need to pay at least over $10, meaning ¥1000 except for fast food like MAC) and i have few opportunity to eat out. once i ate in a singapore restrant, but the taste was not so good though it cost $13.


more surprisingly, they sometimes leave food and throw it away. today, my host sister 12 years old left fried rice I cooked, and nobody blamd her.
sometimes others do same things too. impossible. should i tell them not to leave?? hmmmm,,, really shocking for me.


anyway, my immidiate problem about food is the cost. kit kat costs $2, and 600ml bevarage costs $3.2. i am thinking to get a part time job.


next time i will try another food. so tell me some delicious food easy to cook!
[PR]
by fly-high0320 | 2007-05-15 19:01 | daily life

神様は蜂蜜の味(ぇ

today, i went to a church with my friend. my friend in a college is invited to visit there, and i joined her with some interests.

there is no special building as we imagine and people gathered in a large room to listen to the priest's talking and singing with a band.


it is embaraccing for me since it is actually first time to visit a church and i am skeptical about religion.

people believe in the God("the Lord God almighty", according to the lylics of the song we sang), who will help people praying the God.

singing religious songs which express worship to the God they open thier hand above, and after singing they confess their wish to neighborhood, saying i wish my hard work will finish successfully or i hope to marry my fianse.
prays (events?) are hed regulately, and today the priest showed some next lecture's contents. 説法、みたいな。that was about "conflict management". wow, it's my major!:P though it is focused on how to arrange good marriage life:q
he told how conflicts should be resolved, saying that understanding others is essential, do the right things whichever someone did or not, the God indicates options to people in suffering though he doesnt show the best way and let people to choose.
hmmm, it is convincing i thought. i forgot pricise points but it is logical enough except for the concept the God.

ya, what embarraces me the most is it is not logical. in the crowd of people who were singing enthusiastically, i couldnt stop my skeptical view.
why do they believe in the God and that he will help them? (do i need to write him/her for the God?) who proved the existence of the God?

what is clearest is people who believe in cathoric(religion) is really kind. kimoti-warui gurai kind and honest. they believe that Jesus died for us and we have to repent our sin which jesus removed, so they treat other believer really kindly. atterukana..

my friend, who joined a church sometimes in japan said she was so surprised because japanese cathoric (she and people today is cathoric, not christian) hardly pray in such a way, singing and praying with each other. instead japanese, at least her church focus on getting knowledge of religion through lectures.

after praying, my friend's friend's friend invited us to join BBQ, so i had lots of opportunity to talk people who passionately worship the God, cathoric.

they said, the revolutional theory is wrong. wow. ohho-. interestingly, they reject the theory scientifically, saying revolutional process is too complicated and it is impossible single cell creature becomes human being. in addition, there are no motivation to be revolved. moreover, there was nothing before big ban so nobody can prove the revolution of creature. atterukana...

im not sure about science so i just understood their opinion. my interest is not there, but the reason why they believe in religion instead of science or remaining mystery. yeah people want to know how we are created, but do you want unreliable and illogical answer when there is no reliable scientific truth? keep it mysteery and wait for the truth which is demonstrative.

however, instead of keep it uncertain, they prefer to believe in the excistence of the God and believe that he creates human. hm, impossible to understand for me.

one person talked a story about one person, who tried to kill himself. after attempting killing and it failed, he looked for the reason why he lives and found out cathoric.

maybe, i will believe in the god or religion when i was dying. it means i hope not to believe in religion in the future. not for me, please.


------

and i got pretty tired after leaving them and taking a bus.
i had to make a barrier between them and me, paying attentin not to say some irritating words to them and pretend to agree with. i dont have to pretend to agree, but i am not so brave to talk frankly.
in such a situation, english is really convenient since i cant say english emotinally and it is easy to say anything i dont think actually.
such a way of talking will be important to live in society. i think anythings deeply and negatively so i need to communicate in this way in some sense. iya, negative danaa...


めっちゃ分詞構文が多いっすね…,saying...って使い方あってるのかな?
[PR]
by fly-high0320 | 2007-05-13 19:00 | studying

カメラ小僧 lv.2

i talked with my friend through messenger. and i realized sometimes i need to use japanese to think deeply.
so, maybe i will use more japanese here. sometimes.

today, i felt time. time itself.
i had much time i can make use of, and moved around the ity actively.
though staying at this country is relatively free from time restriction, i lived passively these days.
now that i get used to living here and just a little bit bored, i will try to spend my time more actively; visiting many new places, looking at things carefully, taking pictures, finding difference and characcteristics.
firstly, i wanna improve my skill to take a picture.there are plenty of distinctive nature here.

ってことで、もっと能動的に行動して、物事を注意深く眺めて、観察眼を養うことにしました。写真はその一つの手段、ということで。ホントに奥が深いと思います、写真。被写体として捉えると今までのものが全く違って見えるし、時間とか角度によって見え方も違ってくるし。カメラを片手にオーストラリアをめぐってみたいな、と思う今日この頃。6月の末にできないかなあ…手続きで忙しいかな。でもこれ逃すと11月末になっちゃうんだよね。

しまった、これじゃ日本語で書く意味がないw
[PR]
by fly-high0320 | 2007-05-12 00:14 | daily life
いやーーーーーーーーー、いくらなんでもここで記事消すーーーーーー?(--;

はい、いつも通りsummarizeします。その後日本語で。

i will become 22 years old after 20 minuntes.
i remember what i have done in 21, and whare i am now, on what i put an importance, where do i choose to go.
in 21, i experienced much more than ever, and i failed all. Nothing was possible, nothing was achieved. i felt alone, and i severely depressed.
however through these experiences, i came to accept what i was, not denying. like that, i also accept anything which seems meaningless and anyone who seems childish and annoying.

はい、そんなわけであと15分で22ですっ。もうさっきからカウントダウン状態です。22歳って、なんともどきどきな年ですよね。卒業と、就職の年ですよ。それを前にして、自分はどうあるのか、何に価値を置いて、何を目指していくのか。それを確かめておきたいと思うんだ。おなかいたいけど。

この一年間、ホントにうまくいかなかったなー、と思う。自分を疑って、自分がわからなくなって、嫉妬とか、卑屈とか、色んな感情が自分の中にあるのを知った。過信も慢心も知ったし、それ以上にもどかしさと無感情を知った。

でもね。こうして最後を迎えてみると。(死ぬわけじゃないです)結局そこから何かを、今の自分にとってはかけがえのない何かを得られたって思えるし、それを胸に抱いて前を向けるって気がしてる。既に前を向いて歩いてってる、つもり。そういう自分に、少しほっとしてます。

かけがえのない何かってのは、英語でも書いたように、自分も含めて、表に出てない、ぱっと見じゃわからない価値を大事にするってことで。それができれば、自分に素直になれて、否定するでもなく、卑屈になることもなく、素の自分を出せるんじゃないかって。そう思うのですね。

勿論ね、今まで迷惑かけたり、誰かを傷つけたり、そういうことが変わるわけじゃなくて、そういうことをしてきた自分に対しては未だ許せないと思うけど。でも。やっていけるよ。心をまっ平らにしてさ。今のありのままの自分を否定することなく、卑屈になることなく認めて、人に伝えていきたい。同時に誰かを妬んだりせずに、軽んじたりせずに、その人の可能性を信じながら、対話して、理解して、受容して、一緒に何かを作り上げていきたい。そう思うのです。

正真正銘の大人。責任は伴うけど、その一方で自由は限りない。胸を張って、先を見据えながら進んでこう。



久しぶりに日本語で書くと気持ち悪いっすね。そんなわけで今しがた22になりました。ぱちぱち。あ、オーストラリア時間ね。☆皆様、こんな私ですが、どうぞ今年一年もよろしくお願いいたします!
[PR]
by fly-high0320 | 2007-05-09 23:05